A few days ago my boyfriend, I'm gonna call him Charles, and I were sitting in his car talking about life. He was geeking out about a bunch of cool science things, and I was sitting in the passengers seat listening to his tangents. Then all of a sudden it was quiet and he asks me, "Do you like yourself, Avi?" How in the world do you answer something like that? So I said to him, "I think so." Basically this turned into a conversation were he was a genius with amazing insight on life, as usual, and my mind was blown. He told me that he doesn't think I really do like myself because if I did I wouldn't be so afraid to be by myself. Then he was telling me that I should find out what I like to do. Then when I am alone I'd have something to do that I love. Before this conversation I had one hobby, one. I love theatre; I love performing on stage, and it's all I do. Literally. I don't do anything else because when I'm not in a rehearsal or some other theatre function, I'm either with all of my theatre friends, at work, or sleeping. Charles told me to find something else. He said that I can still love theater and don't have to stop doing it, but I should find other things that make me happy. He then brought up dance. He knows I love to dance, but I haven't since the summer cause I never made to time to start up again. He told me to go find a dance class, or maybe even try gymnastics since it's similar to what I like but still something new. Then I brought up photography because I have always wanted to learn how to take good and professional looking pictures, but I just never have. Eventually my love of writing came up. Then he found it; the one thing that I may love even more than theatre. Marketing. I have no clue how it initially came up, but he said something and it got me started on this huge tangent about marketing campaigns, project management, and the phycology and statistics that go into these campaigns. I started geeking out, and he just laughed at how he got me to talk about marketing the way he talked about his science stuff. He said he found the real me. He hadn't seen me that happy in a long time.
By the end of our conversation I had decided, with Charles's help, that I'd start writing more (hence the blog), I'd look for a dance class to go to, and I'd make a poster to advertise the next show we are putting on in our theatre, Addams Family. I will say that for the past few days I have been home all by myself but not once did I feel alone. I think that there is a difference between feeling alone and the feeling of being by yourself. I didn't realize it until now either. When you are by yourself you still have yourself. It is really hard to explain, but it's like, yes, there may not be anyone else around but you have your own thoughts. You are around yourself; at least you have you. I honestly have no clue if any of that made any sense. I'm sure you're reading this and thinking "Does this girl even speak English?" Apparently not. Anyways, then there is the feeling of being alone. It is a powerful feeling; so powerful that it can cripple a person if they feel that way to long. I know; I've been there. And it isn't a matter of being childish or throwing yourself a pity party either. Some people do fake it, and sometimes they don't even realize they are. Then there are those who are truly feeling alone. I think it is an emotion that depression stems from a lot of the time. Yes, I understand that it does sound a bit dramatic, but it is a serious feeling. I was feeling so alone and lost, but now I feel like at the end of the day I have myself.
I've found parts of me that I didn't even know I had. Apparently, I'm pretty good at marketing and graphic design, and I never would have known that if it weren't for the poster I made. Also, I love writing. I may not be a good writer (which was proven in the last paragraph) but I like doing it. When I'm sitting here with my laptop it isn't straining, it isn't hard work, it isn't tedious. The words just have this flow, and they take me where I want to go next without requiring me to think very much about it. If there's anything I've learned for this it's that you need to love yourself before you can be around yourself. I love that I'm good at marketing, I love that I've found my love for writing. There is so much self love going on right now, and let me just say it feel GREAT! I highly recommend this feeling. Ok, back to seriousness now, I think that Charles was 100% right (like he usually is). If you have a hard time being by yourself maybe try something new. Then once you've found something you love, latch onto it and explore everything that comes with it. You may end up finding something else you enjoy or love even more.
You don't have to be alone. Plus, 9 times out of 10, you probably aren't as alone as you feel. I know it's easier said than done but try to look for the people reaching out to you. Try putting yourself out there. Trust me I know it's hard; I know that it hurts to continually put yourself out into the world just to be thrown back used and destroyed. It also takes time. Take baby steps. Go slow. Give yourself that time to adjust to the new feelings before jumping head first into a pool of piranhas. Maybe you talk to someone who you've only had a few conversations with in class, but this time you start the conversation. Maybe you be the one to invite people out. Then once you find people who genuinely care about you, trust that they will still be your friends even if you send a day away from them, and learn to be exactly who you are without them. If you like science but none of your friends really care for science, then when it's just you, look up interesting theories. Maybe do an experiment or two. WHO CARES?! The only person who's opinion should matter is your own anyways. If you don't like what you're doing, change it. If you love what you're doing but no one else really cares, oh well. Take that time by yourself to explore those fun and interesting things about yourself that maybe not everyone knows about. Once I started accepting and diving into the things that I didn't even know I liked, being by myself wasn't scary anymore; it was liberating.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Sunday, February 19, 2017
The "Best Friend"
Rules to confronting your best friend:
1) DO IT IN PERSON! NOT OVER TEXT!
2) Wait until you aren't super angry
3) Always make sure you say sorry for your portion of the argument (it takes 2 to argue)
4) Don't make it all about how they messed up
Did I follow any of these rules a few weeks ago when I had a fight with my best friend, no of course not. To say it went badly would be an understatement. Long story short, we got into a fight over something stupid, I broke all of those rules, we have barely talked for weeks, and, at one point, I had pretty much lost my best friend. At one point she basically said that she didn't know if she even wanted to be my friend anymore, yeah that hurt. On top of all that, because of everything that was going on with my best friend, for the sake of not sounding so repetitive I'll call her Riley, I started pushing away my other friends because I was so hurt and so focused on the situation. I was rude to people and I didn't even realize it. I started scrutinizing everything my boyfriend was doing. It was just a very bad situation all together. Then when Riley started to give up and focus on other things with other friends it hurt even more because I missed her, I missed my best friend. What was I supposed to do? We tried to talk twice, but both times ended in either more of a mess or a lot of talk with no resolution. Riley ended up saying that she just wasn't ready to talk. Now, we are civil towards each other. We talk a little; it's just idle chit-chat. We haven't talked about what happened though. She acts like she doesn't even want to acknowledge it happened, but I think that will end up creating more problems in the future. So what do I do? How do I make it work? How do I get my best friend back?
Well, I'm starting small. At first, I started small talk conversations. I asked her how her weekends went or how work was. Little things that wouldn't turn into a huge conversation because I knew she was probably still a little upset, but not saying anything just lets hateful feelings fester (I learned that one the hard way). Then after a few days like that I asked her about more in depth things going on in her life. Boys. We used to talk a lot about guys just because your best friend is the perfect person to talk to about that cute guy you saw at the mall or the irritating things your boyfriend does that you couldn't live without. That conversation was a little longer and we each talked about less superficial things like our opinions on situations. Then came seeing each other outside of school. We didn't hang out alone yet. It was in a huge group of our girlfriends and I wasn't even there for the whole time since I had work. But we laughed together and there wasn't as much tension as there used to be. Now, I think the next step is to continue the conversations here and there at school and to hang out more outside of school in groups. I don't think we could hang out just us yet, but after a couple more group things, maybe we could hang out with a smaller group. Eventually it will be just us and then maybe we'll talk about what happened.
There are so many other ways to go about things and it all depends on your and your friend's personalities. It also depends on the relationship that the two of you have. Riley and I have been practically inseparable for over a year. She calls my parents "mom" and "dad". I call her dad "dad". We have been there for each other through all the ugly. Every person is unique and special. Different things will effect them in different ways, and there is nothing wrong with that. You need to make sure you understand that. Understand them and what hurts them. Also you need to take the situation into account. Is it something that is a viable reason for someone to be hurt? If your "best friend" is now dropping you because of something way to small in your eyes, you have to ask yourself if that person is worth the struggle. It is hard, and when that answer is no it feels like the entire world is coming down. How do you go from being best friends with a person to not wanting that friendship anymore? You need to be ready to fight for them, and if they are getting upset over the smallest things in life are you really prepared to fight for them over everything? Like I keep saying, it's hard and it's draining both emotionally and physically. If they aren't worth it, it's ok. There are more people there to be right at your side than you know. You need to be willing and open to them. You need to let them in. You need to put 100% into relationships to expect anything out of them. Now, if they are worth it, go. Fight for them. Show them that you will always be there for them no matter what happens. Remind them of how much you care about them. If they really are your best friend then they will see your efforts, and, eventually, they will realize they need you too.
1) DO IT IN PERSON! NOT OVER TEXT!
2) Wait until you aren't super angry
3) Always make sure you say sorry for your portion of the argument (it takes 2 to argue)
4) Don't make it all about how they messed up
Did I follow any of these rules a few weeks ago when I had a fight with my best friend, no of course not. To say it went badly would be an understatement. Long story short, we got into a fight over something stupid, I broke all of those rules, we have barely talked for weeks, and, at one point, I had pretty much lost my best friend. At one point she basically said that she didn't know if she even wanted to be my friend anymore, yeah that hurt. On top of all that, because of everything that was going on with my best friend, for the sake of not sounding so repetitive I'll call her Riley, I started pushing away my other friends because I was so hurt and so focused on the situation. I was rude to people and I didn't even realize it. I started scrutinizing everything my boyfriend was doing. It was just a very bad situation all together. Then when Riley started to give up and focus on other things with other friends it hurt even more because I missed her, I missed my best friend. What was I supposed to do? We tried to talk twice, but both times ended in either more of a mess or a lot of talk with no resolution. Riley ended up saying that she just wasn't ready to talk. Now, we are civil towards each other. We talk a little; it's just idle chit-chat. We haven't talked about what happened though. She acts like she doesn't even want to acknowledge it happened, but I think that will end up creating more problems in the future. So what do I do? How do I make it work? How do I get my best friend back?
Well, I'm starting small. At first, I started small talk conversations. I asked her how her weekends went or how work was. Little things that wouldn't turn into a huge conversation because I knew she was probably still a little upset, but not saying anything just lets hateful feelings fester (I learned that one the hard way). Then after a few days like that I asked her about more in depth things going on in her life. Boys. We used to talk a lot about guys just because your best friend is the perfect person to talk to about that cute guy you saw at the mall or the irritating things your boyfriend does that you couldn't live without. That conversation was a little longer and we each talked about less superficial things like our opinions on situations. Then came seeing each other outside of school. We didn't hang out alone yet. It was in a huge group of our girlfriends and I wasn't even there for the whole time since I had work. But we laughed together and there wasn't as much tension as there used to be. Now, I think the next step is to continue the conversations here and there at school and to hang out more outside of school in groups. I don't think we could hang out just us yet, but after a couple more group things, maybe we could hang out with a smaller group. Eventually it will be just us and then maybe we'll talk about what happened.
There are so many other ways to go about things and it all depends on your and your friend's personalities. It also depends on the relationship that the two of you have. Riley and I have been practically inseparable for over a year. She calls my parents "mom" and "dad". I call her dad "dad". We have been there for each other through all the ugly. Every person is unique and special. Different things will effect them in different ways, and there is nothing wrong with that. You need to make sure you understand that. Understand them and what hurts them. Also you need to take the situation into account. Is it something that is a viable reason for someone to be hurt? If your "best friend" is now dropping you because of something way to small in your eyes, you have to ask yourself if that person is worth the struggle. It is hard, and when that answer is no it feels like the entire world is coming down. How do you go from being best friends with a person to not wanting that friendship anymore? You need to be ready to fight for them, and if they are getting upset over the smallest things in life are you really prepared to fight for them over everything? Like I keep saying, it's hard and it's draining both emotionally and physically. If they aren't worth it, it's ok. There are more people there to be right at your side than you know. You need to be willing and open to them. You need to let them in. You need to put 100% into relationships to expect anything out of them. Now, if they are worth it, go. Fight for them. Show them that you will always be there for them no matter what happens. Remind them of how much you care about them. If they really are your best friend then they will see your efforts, and, eventually, they will realize they need you too.
What Did You Find?
Relationships are hard, that's no secret. People say that they are 50% from each person, but I think it's more than that. I think it's 100% from both. If you aren't giving your relationships all of yourself than how can you expect someone else to give you anything. That goes for all relationships, not just the romantic ones. Whether it's your best friend, family, or significant other, it doesn't matter; they all deserve all of your love and support. But that's hard. I've found it is both one of the hardest things to do and one of the most rewarding. When the other person is reciprocating that respect, love, and effort your relationship thrives. It's when you are giving this person all of yourself and they aren't giving you all of themselves when things get prickly. It hurts to feel like someone doesn't even care about the time and thought you put into your relationship. It makes you feel like they don't care about you. I know that feeling all to well. So, how are you supposed to react? What are you supposed to do? What is the right thing to do? There is no manual or instruction book on relationships, not really. There is no right and wrong way to do something. You have to find what works for you and that other person, but that is a hard and long process. That's ok. This blog will hopefully help. Maybe it will, maybe it won't, and that's ok. I think that people learn from other people's experiences and stories. That's what this is. It is my experiences, my stories, my outlooks on life, and my advice on situations. Take it or leave it; that choice is up to you. Ask questions or don't. Read once and never come back, ok. If there is one thing you take away from my rambling nonsense it should be this - as cheesy as it sounds - you're not alone. I know how much it all can hurt. I know how alone and lost and isolated these situations can make you feel. If you feel that way I promise I've felt that way too, I get it.
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