A few days ago my boyfriend, I'm gonna call him Charles, and I were sitting in his car talking about life. He was geeking out about a bunch of cool science things, and I was sitting in the passengers seat listening to his tangents. Then all of a sudden it was quiet and he asks me, "Do you like yourself, Avi?" How in the world do you answer something like that? So I said to him, "I think so." Basically this turned into a conversation were he was a genius with amazing insight on life, as usual, and my mind was blown. He told me that he doesn't think I really do like myself because if I did I wouldn't be so afraid to be by myself. Then he was telling me that I should find out what I like to do. Then when I am alone I'd have something to do that I love. Before this conversation I had one hobby, one. I love theatre; I love performing on stage, and it's all I do. Literally. I don't do anything else because when I'm not in a rehearsal or some other theatre function, I'm either with all of my theatre friends, at work, or sleeping. Charles told me to find something else. He said that I can still love theater and don't have to stop doing it, but I should find other things that make me happy. He then brought up dance. He knows I love to dance, but I haven't since the summer cause I never made to time to start up again. He told me to go find a dance class, or maybe even try gymnastics since it's similar to what I like but still something new. Then I brought up photography because I have always wanted to learn how to take good and professional looking pictures, but I just never have. Eventually my love of writing came up. Then he found it; the one thing that I may love even more than theatre. Marketing. I have no clue how it initially came up, but he said something and it got me started on this huge tangent about marketing campaigns, project management, and the phycology and statistics that go into these campaigns. I started geeking out, and he just laughed at how he got me to talk about marketing the way he talked about his science stuff. He said he found the real me. He hadn't seen me that happy in a long time.
By the end of our conversation I had decided, with Charles's help, that I'd start writing more (hence the blog), I'd look for a dance class to go to, and I'd make a poster to advertise the next show we are putting on in our theatre, Addams Family. I will say that for the past few days I have been home all by myself but not once did I feel alone. I think that there is a difference between feeling alone and the feeling of being by yourself. I didn't realize it until now either. When you are by yourself you still have yourself. It is really hard to explain, but it's like, yes, there may not be anyone else around but you have your own thoughts. You are around yourself; at least you have you. I honestly have no clue if any of that made any sense. I'm sure you're reading this and thinking "Does this girl even speak English?" Apparently not. Anyways, then there is the feeling of being alone. It is a powerful feeling; so powerful that it can cripple a person if they feel that way to long. I know; I've been there. And it isn't a matter of being childish or throwing yourself a pity party either. Some people do fake it, and sometimes they don't even realize they are. Then there are those who are truly feeling alone. I think it is an emotion that depression stems from a lot of the time. Yes, I understand that it does sound a bit dramatic, but it is a serious feeling. I was feeling so alone and lost, but now I feel like at the end of the day I have myself.
I've found parts of me that I didn't even know I had. Apparently, I'm pretty good at marketing and graphic design, and I never would have known that if it weren't for the poster I made. Also, I love writing. I may not be a good writer (which was proven in the last paragraph) but I like doing it. When I'm sitting here with my laptop it isn't straining, it isn't hard work, it isn't tedious. The words just have this flow, and they take me where I want to go next without requiring me to think very much about it. If there's anything I've learned for this it's that you need to love yourself before you can be around yourself. I love that I'm good at marketing, I love that I've found my love for writing. There is so much self love going on right now, and let me just say it feel GREAT! I highly recommend this feeling. Ok, back to seriousness now, I think that Charles was 100% right (like he usually is). If you have a hard time being by yourself maybe try something new. Then once you've found something you love, latch onto it and explore everything that comes with it. You may end up finding something else you enjoy or love even more.
You don't have to be alone. Plus, 9 times out of 10, you probably aren't as alone as you feel. I know it's easier said than done but try to look for the people reaching out to you. Try putting yourself out there. Trust me I know it's hard; I know that it hurts to continually put yourself out into the world just to be thrown back used and destroyed. It also takes time. Take baby steps. Go slow. Give yourself that time to adjust to the new feelings before jumping head first into a pool of piranhas. Maybe you talk to someone who you've only had a few conversations with in class, but this time you start the conversation. Maybe you be the one to invite people out. Then once you find people who genuinely care about you, trust that they will still be your friends even if you send a day away from them, and learn to be exactly who you are without them. If you like science but none of your friends really care for science, then when it's just you, look up interesting theories. Maybe do an experiment or two. WHO CARES?! The only person who's opinion should matter is your own anyways. If you don't like what you're doing, change it. If you love what you're doing but no one else really cares, oh well. Take that time by yourself to explore those fun and interesting things about yourself that maybe not everyone knows about. Once I started accepting and diving into the things that I didn't even know I liked, being by myself wasn't scary anymore; it was liberating.
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